When I got pregnant, everyone told me about all the “unwanted” advice I would be getting and how I would definitely hate it. The advice started rolling in and I realized that I really didn’t hate it. I was so hungry to know all the things about babies. And not just the things, but the best things. What car seat was best. What brand of diapers were the best. Sleep training? Crib vs. Bassinet? Breastfeeding vs. formula feeding? I wanted to know all the factual information that was out there so that I could make the best choices for my baby.
I found out pretty quickly that there are exactly 3.8 million different decisions that you will make in just the first six months. And to make this whole motherhood thing even easier, there are so many judgmental people out there that will make you feel like crap about your decision. It turned out that I would be one of those judgmental people.
When my precious baby boy was being born I had an epidural. Gasp. So I already had a strike against my “perfect mommy” standing right out of the gate. Did it matter that I was not progressing after 34 hours of labor? Did it not count for something that, I dilated the rest of the way immediately following my epidural being placed? Nope and Nope. I had failed the first challenge of being the perfect mom.
When Riley was born, I was dismayed to find that he couldn’t latch on his own. Our breastfeeding relationship was saved by nipple shields, my extreme oversupply and my overactive let down that essentially drowned him in milk with little effort on his part. But we survived the countless nights where breastfeeding wasn’t working. He couldn’t latch and I couldn’t handle my inability to properly latch him. We survived him having an undiagnosed tongue and lip tie. We pushed past countless clogged milk ducts and two rounds of mastitis. Breastfeeding with a nipple shield made me feel like a failure. I didn’t tell most people about my struggles. Everyone else just saw a happy mom that was still breastfeeding her baby. Just like a good mom should.
As Riley got older, I continued to make decisions that to me were based in factual data. Children are 500% safer rear facing, so by gosh, Riley will be rear facing until he is a teenager. Eating sugar can drastically disrupt a child’s sleep patterns. Message received, no added sugar for him. Ever. Many children suffer from constipation and dehydration. Looks like Riley will be eating fruit and other fibrous foods all day, everyday. My husband and I made these decisions for Riley and for the most part, he didn’t give us any push back.
I never planned on being a judgmental mom, I don’t think any of us do. But the first time I saw a friend with their forward facing 13 month old child, I totally judged her. When another friend quit breastfeeding a few months in because pumping at work was “too annoying”, I judged her too. I hated myself for judging them but I just couldn’t see how they had made decisions that were so completely opposite of what I wanted for my own child. I had fought so hard for breastfeeding, why couldn’t they? My baby would be the safest he possibly could be in the car. Didn’t they want that for their own child?
They never actually knew I was judging them, at least I hope they couldn’t tell. But still, I hated that I WAS judging them. It took a little while for me to get better prospective and to curb my judgmental ways.
Breastfeeding my baby never became so impossible that my baby was suffering. It never became so impossible that my overall happiness and mental health were suffering. I had an ample milk supply and was able to resolve clogged ducts and mastitis fairly easily. Rather than judging my friend for her choice, I realized how hard it must have been for her to make that decision. She may have said that pumping was too annoying because that reason was easier than admitting her truth.
My son sits quietly in his car seat most days. When he is upset, a quick switch to listen to “The Wheels on the Bus” or “Row Row Row, Your Boat” generally do the trick and we are right back to having a happy toddler. I can imagine that if my child cried each and every time we drove anywhere, I would consider trying him forward facing sooner to keep the peace. This mama wasn’t there in the moments that lead up to my friend’s decision to forward face, so I cannot judge it. Nor should I judge.
My son thinks he is the luckiest boy alive whenever he gets strawberries, apples or bananas. Not giving him sugar wasn’t exactly a difficult thing to do in our household. He chugs water and milk so dehydration has never been a concern we have spent any time thinking about. For my friend that regularly gives her picky daughter juice to drink, I’m sorry. I wish I had not judged you the first time I saw you hand over that apple juice. If my son refused to drink water or milk, you better believe that I would throw my no-sugar stance out the window in an attempt to get him to drink anything. Want apple juice? Here you go. Want grape juice? Just don’t spill it on my couch.
What really solidified my change in perspective was when I started looking at other decisions I made for my son. Decisions that I know other moms would judge. My son watches more TV than I care to admit. I allow my child to watch TV while he is eating in his high chair. My now 2.5 year old, still uses his pacifier all day, everyday. I don’t think of myself as a bad mom for these choices. I made the changed my plans and made these decisions along the way. For us, these things make life better and for us, they were okay.
Physically I couldn’t keep up with my son while I was pregnant. My options became, him screaming and crying for me to play with him, or turning on the TV occasionally where he could learn about shapes, colors, counting and more. I chose his happiness over my thoughts on what other would think was best. Watching TV while eating was the only way that I could get him to eat more than a couple of bites of food. It also kept him parked in his high chair so that I could safely (and sanely) make dinner for my husband and I. Cook dinner for a week with a toddler demanding to be held and I guarantee you would change your stance on TV and eating.
His pacifier keeps him happy. It gives him comfort. It keeps the peace in our house. There have been thousands and thousands of little moments and big emotions that have existed in our world that have led to our decision to allow him to still have his pacifier. Heck, he loves his Wubbanubs so much that I created a tutorial on how to fix them when the pacifier breaks off! Just like each and every mommy out there has their own moments, their own big emotions that lead them down the path of making decisions of not just what is best for their child, but also what is best for the overall well-being of their family.
Motherhood is the hardest road that we will ever travel. None of us need another sancti-mommy making us feel like we are somehow letting our own children down. If you ever find yourself in the seat of the mommy sending judgement to another mommy, just remember all those moments in their lives that you were not there for. That mom is already judging herself. You don’t know their truth, you don’t know their pain. If we can all stop jumping to judge one another and instead jump to support the difficult choice other mamas are making, maybe, just maybe, being a mama wouldn’t be so damn difficult.